#Jokes
Burglars broke into my house last night and said they were searching for money...

So I laughed and searched with them

#Jokes
I bought a book on addictions today.

I've read it f..king fifteen times already.

#Jokes
An immigrant ran up to me and asked, "What is time?"

"To gain more understanding of the subject, you should read Stephen Hawking's books," I replied.

#Jokes
I have an amazing ability to find things just before people lose them.

The police, however, insist on calling it theft.

#Jokes
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

#Jokes
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't fallen asleep yet.

#Jokes
Did you know that you can murder someone with socks?

It's true. It doesn't matter what they're wearing.

#Jokes
A Monk begins his training. Every ten years he’s allowed to break his vow of silence.

“Only two words can be spoken so he must choose wisely”. Said the older Monk.

After ten years he chose his two words:
“Food bad” He spat.

After twenty years had passed, he had chosen his words carefully:
“Bed hard” He grumbled.

Then thirty years passed:
“I quit” He said.

The old Monk replied:
“Good, you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here”.

#Jokes
I shouted to the barmaid, "Two pints of lager please."

She said, "I'm not deaf."

I said, "Sorry, I noticed your wedding ring and the black eye. I presumed you had a problem listening."

#Jokes
Adam and Eve. First people in history to not read the Apple terms and conditions

#Jokes
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

#Jokes
My new job role is to forward emails.

For those confused, the technical term is 'Manager'.