#Jokes
I said to a woman at work, "Are you doing anything this weekend?"

"No," she smiled.

"Good," I said, "get some rest, you look very tired."

#Jokes
International climate talks in Berlin finished today with 185 countries reaching a major agreement to cut greenhouse gas emissions.

Then they all drove to the airport in 185 cars.

#Jokes
They say to never go shopping for food when you’re hungry but it’s been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.

#Jokes
When i was younger i once beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken.

That is what gave me the courage to do it.

#Jokes
I wonder what happened to those people who asked me for directions!

#Jokes
If you're going to argue publicly on a cellphone, be fair and turn the speakerphone on so everyone can hear both sides.

#Jokes
American kids are really looking forward to the summer holidays
No more studying or getting shot at until the Autumn.
😜

#Jokes
My dad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the Zoo.

#Jokes
Burglars broke into my house last night and said they were searching for money...

So I laughed and searched with them

#Jokes
I bought a book on addictions today.

I've read it f..king fifteen times already.

#Jokes
An immigrant ran up to me and asked, "What is time?"

"To gain more understanding of the subject, you should read Stephen Hawking's books," I replied.

#Jokes
I have an amazing ability to find things just before people lose them.

The police, however, insist on calling it theft.

#Jokes
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

#Jokes
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven't fallen asleep yet.

#Jokes
Did you know that you can murder someone with socks?

It's true. It doesn't matter what they're wearing.

#Jokes
A Monk begins his training. Every ten years he’s allowed to break his vow of silence.

“Only two words can be spoken so he must choose wisely”. Said the older Monk.

After ten years he chose his two words:
“Food bad” He spat.

After twenty years had passed, he had chosen his words carefully:
“Bed hard” He grumbled.

Then thirty years passed:
“I quit” He said.

The old Monk replied:
“Good, you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here”.

#Jokes
I shouted to the barmaid, "Two pints of lager please."

She said, "I'm not deaf."

I said, "Sorry, I noticed your wedding ring and the black eye. I presumed you had a problem listening."

#Jokes
Adam and Eve. First people in history to not read the Apple terms and conditions

#Jokes
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

#Jokes
My new job role is to forward emails.

For those confused, the technical term is 'Manager'.